Mobile Uploads

HELLO AGAIN/GOODBYE

2011-03-10T12:11:00.005-07:00

Hi. Remember me?

I used to post pictures here. Well, I'm back. Sort of. Mobile Uploads has a new address.

Why don't you all join me over at Mobileuploadsblog.com and we'll have us some laughs?

THE BIG DAY!!!!

2009-10-10T02:33:00.003-06:00

The big day has come and gone. We're back from out honeymoon, and I have a thoussand pictures that I was too busy to post before.

Mobile Uploads is back in business!

SO... CAN I GET MY BALL?

2009-07-20T16:48:00.003-06:00

Found on the boundary of the Sundre golf course. From my personal experience with the town of Sundre, I'm guessing trespassers are shot on sight.

Thank you to Ren for losing his ball in the field.

WORST DIET EVER

2009-07-20T16:39:00.003-06:00

What you can see: Exercise equipment in a store front.
What you cannot see: The wording on the sign above - "Zack's Pizza Parlor".

*I almost want to break down and add the picture I took with my real camera. In order to protect the integrity of the "camera phone photos only" rule, visit this link.

THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

2009-07-20T16:33:00.004-06:00

Ugh. The Calgary Stampede. Everyone whores themselves out to it.
(Go to this site. I dare you.)

AT LEAST THE WINGS ARE CUTE

2009-07-20T16:26:00.004-06:00

Because life isn't hard enough for geeky little kids.

NEW DRIVER

2009-06-11T12:52:00.003-06:00

Thanks for telling us, but really, we'd prefer if you didn't block half your rear window with the announcement. I know you're new and all, but you do need to SEE out of it.

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2009-06-11T12:44:00.003-06:00

I have found several untold terrors (like the winky cup) at the Curious Cat Antique Mall, but this, THIS is just beyond comprehension. I hate it.

HOW'S MY DRIVING?

2009-06-11T12:42:00.002-06:00

Probably pretty terrible if you have scratched off the phone number one would call to report you.

WULFRENICE

2009-06-11T12:35:00.004-06:00

What could be more terrifying than the package of a chocolate "Magic Elf"?

How about what's inside the package. A warty elf thing smiling creepily at you. I almost couldn't eat it from terror. Almost. But it was chocolate.

DESPERATION

2009-06-11T12:32:00.002-06:00

Yes. I'm sure there is nothing more delicious than lobster in Saskatchewan.

NO!

2009-06-11T12:26:00.004-06:00

We stopped here for gas on our way to lovely Swift Current, Saskatchewan. There were in fact public washrooms (which Ren used and found wanting), there were no kids or teenagers, with or without parents.

If you look closely, you will see that somehow the proprietor managed to screw up the quotation marks (and no I don't mean by misusing them) by somehow managing to make the first one the infamous "69".

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

2009-06-11T12:25:00.003-06:00

What mother wouldn't be overjoyed by the thought of a piglet on a spit for Mother's Day?

I bet Mother Mck was very appreciative. Thanks, C McK!

DANGER DUE TO: FAB - U - LOUS

2009-06-11T12:09:00.003-06:00

This is my first reader submitted photo to come to me. Well, from a reader that I don't know. Thank you Anonymous Submitter, who ever you are.

Men working doesn't really seem like a reason for danger, but GAY men working, well, that's a different story. I picture Miss J, Nolé Marin, and Jay Manuel wearing hard hats directing everyone to be FIERCE.

4EVRR29

2009-04-17T10:25:00.002-06:00

And apparently forever illiterate. I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but these two are OLD.

FREE STUFF

2009-04-17T10:20:00.003-06:00

Wow. A free washing machine. That's not going last long,

BIG NEWS!!!!!!

2009-04-11T23:01:00.003-06:00

Yes, friends, as of tonight, I am engaged. Sorry it's not strikingly out of the ordinary, but it's too exciting not to share.

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY...

2009-04-03T20:50:00.002-06:00

...You will die. At least they left the instructions behind.

APRIL FOOLS?

2009-04-03T20:46:00.003-06:00

How?

EW

2009-04-03T20:42:00.002-06:00

They probably only needed one sign or the other.

EUPHORIA

2009-04-03T20:40:00.002-06:00

There's nothing like hot nuts sent anonymously through inter-office mail.

Thank you, My Cousin Sarah.

BABY PRESS

2009-04-03T20:30:00.003-06:00

This is where baby oil comes from.

SERIOUSLY. NOT APPROPRIATE.

2009-03-20T02:49:00.003-06:00

This issue was addressed in a previous post. There is never a time when it is appropriate to sleep in public. And it's certainly not okay to fall asleep face-first into a plate of pizza. I was with loyal contributors Ren and CMcKee (whose photo is proudly displayed above) and we all agreed that this man was obviously dead. Even after he roused himself and lurched away, I wasn't entirely convinced he was living.

CAMILLE

2009-03-20T02:33:00.004-06:00

This is just me, but if my terrifying zombie dog went missing, I wouldn't be posting signs with hopes of getting it back.

HIGH FIVE

2009-03-14T23:26:00.004-06:00

In case it's not immediately obvious what the deal is:
Mattress box - check
5some - check

Thank you to my brother Thomas who I hope did not buy a five-some in a box.

HOW DO YOU SPELL SPECIAL?

2009-03-07T01:23:00.004-07:00

S-P-E-C-I-A-L
(Said in a very sarcastic voice.)
(PS - I've been waiting for this for SO long, Craymore...)

Thanks again to My Cousin Sarah.

COLOUR BLIND

2009-03-02T01:03:00.003-07:00

How can I write something about this without seeming like a racist? All I know is negro is not pink.

A SLOW WEEK

2009-02-19T00:45:00.011-07:00

There is something about me that you may not know. Dolls creep the living eff out of me. I hate them. So I am giving to you, constant readers, an album of terror.
Behold the Dollies.

This one I hate because of it's troll-like face and camel toe.

I don't know what this one is doing. Yoga or listening through the box. Either one is creepy.

I hate it.

I hate this one more.

Congratulations. It's twins. Run for your life.

This one is the absolute worst. I hate it so much.

This one is disturbing. Look mommy, I'm doing it doggy-style.

If you're thinking to yourself, "Geez, they're just dolls. What's the big deal?"
Here's the big deal. Head on over to this nightmare and be sure to check out all the albums. Want one of your own? Click here.

STUCK ON YOU

2009-02-19T00:37:00.003-07:00

This is a sign in a hospital. The hospital I had the distinct pleasure of walking out of alive, despite the odds. I like the warning right under it to cover your mouth whilst coughing or sneezing. I'm assuming this is what happens if you don't.

THE BLUE MENU OF LIES

2009-02-19T00:32:00.005-07:00

Sign says, "Temporarily out of stock"

Survey says, "Definitely in stock"
A big thanks to My Cousin Sarah for exposing the lies of SuperStore.

SAVE YOUR SPOT

2009-02-04T13:46:00.003-07:00

You're lucky it was that close at a paintball/laser tag establishment.

BOXERS OR BRIEFS?

2009-01-31T22:28:00.007-07:00

This is Snoopy on a pair of boxers. Or is it...?

Thanks C McK.

GOOD FOR YOU

2009-01-27T06:29:00.003-07:00

I would love to know what this kid doing in his (her?) spare time that when the teacher says, "Tell me something about yourself,", he replies with, "I can hold a live chicken."

HOT?

2009-01-23T13:11:00.003-07:00

On sale at a children's store. Holiday songs and carols sung by a very creepy bird lady. I don't like it. Not one bit.

TRANQUILITY

2009-01-20T12:53:00.003-07:00

Ah. Nothing more relaxing than a cool dip on a hot day. On sale for $119.00. I don't know who deserves credit for this one. Ren took the picture, but only because I had left my phone at home.

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

2009-01-15T12:35:00.004-07:00

Ahhhh, Christmas is over. That means it's time to pack up all your decorations for the year. All of them. Even the table runner you're using as a shall. I don't care how much you liked it. Put it away.

SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN

2009-01-15T12:07:00.004-07:00

The picture is not very clear, but the sign does say "Marrissa's P/U and Del" among other things. I realise that it more than likely means "pick up" but when you have a restaurant that doesn't specify what you specialize in and the sign says PU, chances are, business is slow.

And on the topic of "business is slow", if you have a barber shop and the sign says "specialized in flat tops", chances are, you too, are not going to make it through the recession.

MMMMMM... ALL NATURAL

2009-01-14T23:46:00.003-07:00

There's no better feeling than going to someone's house and finding this in the sink. Looks like someone's been taking a page out of the Natural Harvest cookbook.

(Turns out, it was mayonnaise)

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-14T23:40:00.003-07:00

Yes. It says "Greatwall's Premiun"
Also, "Product of China"
Still unopened on the wine rack.

OPTIMISM

2009-01-14T23:33:00.003-07:00

This is winter in Canada. Note the plume of exhaust coming from the back of this car. The guy attempted to drive out of that mess. I watched him. I pulled over to watch it.

The snow won.

NIGHTMARE ON HERDER DRIVE

2009-01-14T23:21:00.004-07:00

This is an assault on the senses. And on general human decency. Apparently the Griswalds live on my dad's street.

STRAIGHT PIMPIN'

2009-01-14T23:15:00.003-07:00

I don't know what you heard about me but I'm a mother-fuc*ing P. I. M. P.

Thanks CMcKee.

A LITTLE LATE

2009-01-14T22:47:00.002-07:00

Here's another gem from the ever fab Ben. "Our debit machine is broken. Sorry we waited until you were already trapped in the drive-thru line to tell you. Marry Xmas"

BAH HUMBUG

2008-12-17T17:05:00.002-07:00

Pardon me while I vomit. Thanks for this Pam, are you sure that's not your car?

BITE ME

2008-12-17T14:51:00.003-07:00

Call me crazy, but I think 69¢ for a pre-bitten Creepy Santa chocolate pop is a little overpriced.

After I pointed it out to the cashier, she said thanks and left it there. I really hope someone bought it.

JUST WHAT YOU ALWAYS NEEDED

2008-12-17T14:38:00.004-07:00

In case you can't read what's on the this... thing:

Smencils - Gourmet SCENTED Pencils

This one was orange. Thanks Toys R Us.

HAND JOB

2008-12-14T19:48:00.003-07:00

Oh, you want a manicure? Just have a seat here in my penis-hand chair and I'll get right to you.

CRITTER CONGA

2008-12-14T19:32:00.003-07:00

There's nothing like turning into an aisle and seeing a pride of angry cheetahs ready to rip your face off. I especially hate the disembodied ringleader on the top.

MAGIC CARPET

2008-12-10T18:33:00.003-07:00

Calgary. 07:45 ish. Good time to drive around with a roll of carpet hanging out the unsecured doors of your van. And yes, I was the epitome of safety when I was taking pictures of things instead of paying attention to the road.

WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY SAY?

2008-12-10T18:26:00.002-07:00

Thanks Ben.

TASTY

2008-12-02T11:13:00.003-07:00

Quality Cock Soup since 1922. Thanks CMcK.

HE'S BACK

2008-11-27T23:48:00.004-07:00

The first spotting of Santa after nearly a year of seclusion at the North Pole.

Brace yourselves. Christmas is upon us.

Thanks to CMcK for her candid shots of Santa at Starbucks.

WHEELIE

2008-11-26T17:37:00.004-07:00

As seen on a cast on a dog. Too bad it doesn't get you a better parking spot.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2008-11-26T17:12:00.005-07:00

Please explain to me how this :

or this:

has ANYTHING to do with Christmas. Too me, this is more of a Halloween/Horror show sort of thing. Those "elves" are CREEPY.

BEEN THERE. DONE THAT. GOT THE T-SHIRT.

2008-11-26T16:54:00.005-07:00

Runner-up to the most inappropriate sign ever. I don't think it should get the tiara because it's not catering to children.

However, there is this:

If you're extra nice to the ever delightful Ren , he might take you down to Liquor Box. And believe me, he knows the way.

LICK IT

2008-11-23T22:30:00.003-07:00

Winner of the most inappropriate sign ever.

MORGUE

2008-11-21T12:43:00.003-07:00

I feel like sleeping in public is dangerous, be it on the train, in a restaurant, or at the mall, as pictured here. It's especially dangerous to sleep in public if you look like a corpse. And what about the second guy? He was walking by, saw a man passed out on a chair, and thought, "You know what, that's an excellent idea."

UMMMM...

2008-11-17T16:22:00.003-07:00

Here's something you don't see every day...

SUCKA

2008-11-17T16:13:00.003-07:00

Look closely. That guy is DEFINITELY sucking his thumb.

LIFE LESSONS

2008-11-17T16:06:00.003-07:00

Hula-hoop lessons. Not even kidding.

A swivel of the hips and a thank you to Pam.

A WINNING COMBINATION

2008-11-13T21:03:00.004-07:00

Beer, bullets and chainsaws. A killer idea. From the always lovely Cray.

BOXCAR DELIGHTS

2008-11-13T00:35:00.006-07:00

Hobo Beans: the maple flavoured jelly bean. Why anyone would think hobos taste like maple is beyond me.

Here they are in the display box. Notice that there are some missing. And what do we have under the display box?

Why, it's Bacon Beans, the bacon flavoured jelly bean.

And just to be sassy, there's also Bacon Gumballs. My favorite, if you look carefully, is the strip of bacon blowing a cannibalistic bubble.

FOR BRUTALLY BAD BREATH

2008-11-13T00:27:00.005-07:00

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is Josef Stalin hawking mints. Commie mints. I imagine this is the kind of thing he had in mind when he set his sights on world domination. Ensuring fresh breath to all of human kind.

M-ANIMAL FARM

2008-11-11T18:57:00.003-07:00

Some animals are more equal to others. Some men are more perfect than others. As rewarding as "How To Be Your Own Best Friend". Don't worry. You never have to be you own best friend. You'll always have your mother.

NINJA, PLEASE

2008-11-09T23:31:00.003-07:00

More from Ren. The sign really says it all. I have no comment.

RIPE

2008-11-07T22:24:00.004-07:00

"Bananas can't go Beside Apples. They Will brown too fast"

Someone put the bananas too close to the apples. A special thanks to my charming friend, Ren.

CHICKA CHICKA WHAT?!?

2008-11-07T21:21:00.004-07:00

Ah. Christmas candies. 'Tis the season ... Wait. What's going on with Santa and that reindeer?

Let's look at this from a different angle:

Yep. Santa is definitely giving it to that reindeer. How festive.

LET THE SIDEWALK BE YOUR GALLERY

2008-11-07T16:54:00.003-07:00

Art? I don't think so. Nice try, though.

WHEN WORDS FAIL YOU

2008-11-07T02:42:00.005-07:00

This is the Caroline Limo. Remember the free chair? Same house (it's actually in the background if you look carefully). I'm not sure if it qualifies as irony, but this is directly across the street from the elementary/middle/high school. Too bad there's no spell check for real life.

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

2008-11-07T02:38:00.003-07:00

Once again, a submission from C McK. She claims this was made by a five year old and it's a Santa hat. That's clearly what it is.

PS - Santa, if you're reading this, I'd like your hat for Christmas please.

REWARD!!!

2008-11-05T23:13:00.005-07:00

I don't know where to start with this one. I guess my first question is: How does a tortoise escape? It's always been my understanding that they aren't a fast creature. Other questions I would like to ask are: Why does it have a pink 'X' on it's shell; and How much is the reward? As well as: How did it get out of the yard? Please tell me it climbed the fence.

REALLY REALLY

2008-11-03T10:58:00.003-07:00

Here's another view of Hillary Duff's most inappropriate fan. I had to post it due to the hilarious eye that conveys how we all feel about that shirt on that guy.

WRONG

2008-11-01T13:03:00.003-06:00

Nothing makes me want to buy and eat strawberries more than a picture of them snogging in the grocery store. I mean please. There are children present.

EAT IT, I DARE YOU

2008-11-01T10:16:00.003-06:00

Only in Montana can you buy an entire yard of beef. I'm keeping my eyes open for the Alberta equivalent, the Metre-O-Meat. Thanks again, C McK.

FASHION

2008-11-01T10:10:00.004-06:00

Keeping with the inappropriate topic, here's another submission from C McK, the Prosti-tot. First of all, those boots are unacceptable on any occasion. Oh, and also, those aren't pants, honey. They're not even shorts. They are UNDERPANTS.

INAPPROPRIATE

2008-11-01T09:45:00.005-06:00

For $15, you can go to the Canada Olympic Park ScreamFest and not be scared out of your mind. You may, however, see some of the most child-unfriendly images you will ever see at a child-friendly event. Evidenced here, we have the spooktacular Terror Under The Big Top. And what's that on the side? Let's take a closer look:

Yes, I see. Dr Frankenstein's lesbian creations. In eye-popping 3D. They weren't in there, by the way. The killer clowns on the other hand, were in there. In eye-popping 3D. And they were terrifying.

STONE COLD TERROR

2008-10-31T20:08:00.001-06:00

Sticking with the creepy Halloween theme, here we have a submission from my bestie, Mr Turdus Migratorus himself. Where he found this, I do not know. But I'm glad he did. I don't know which one is worse, the old perverted winking one or the little sleeping one. I think the sleeping one, because you know he's faking and as soon as you turn away, he opens an eye and looks at you. This is an untold terror.

AMERICAN DREAM

2008-10-31T20:03:00.002-06:00

Also in time for Halloween, the costume that defines a nation. What parent doesn't want their daughter to don this costume and strut around the neighbourhood? This makes Uncle Sam Proud.

Thank you to CMcK for this one as well.

TINY PICTURE, HUGE ATTITUDE

2008-10-31T19:58:00.002-06:00

This appears to be some kind of gangster witch. Not sure what colours she wears.

Many thanks to CMcK for this.

BUT DOES IT COME WITH A PAPER HAMBURGER?

2008-10-31T17:17:00.001-06:00

It's what you're afraid it is. The Hoff, paper doll style. Note the hairy chest. I can send the template to anyone who requests it, and you, too, can own The Hoff. (Yes this was at my desk.)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2008-10-31T00:39:00.002-06:00

What do we have here? Submitted by my #1 fan. I have no idea what the story is, but I ♥ it. Thanks, C McK!!

SOFA KING GROSS

2008-10-31T00:28:00.001-06:00

He looks like he posed for this. Not so. This was taken with great discretion, in order to capture the HORROR of his fingernails. Without exaggeration, they were at least five to seven millimetres long (1/8 to 1/4 of an inch, for the American fans). Sadly, he turned his hand just as I snapped the shot. And it was the end of the line so I was denied a second chance. I was so grossed out. So. Grossed. Out.

PARKING LOT-TERY

2008-10-31T00:24:00.001-06:00

Where else but at Wal Mart can you find a station wagon filled with shopping bags and plywood?

A POSTCARD OF RED DEER

2008-10-31T00:21:00.001-06:00

Quiet street in Red Deer complete with shoes in the power line. Good Times.

SECRET GARDEN

2008-10-31T00:19:00.001-06:00

What do you do with an old truck you no longer drive? Park in on the street and plant a garden in the back. Best idea ever.

SPOT THE STAIN

2008-10-31T00:14:00.001-06:00

You may wonder why this photograph is on here. Looks like an innocent Jiu-Jitsu tourney. Let me give you a hint:

Liquid diet for two weeks to make weight + half white shorts = grave embarrassment

REALLY?

2008-10-31T00:10:00.001-06:00

Why yes, I am wearing a Hillary Duff t-shirt. Thanks for noticing.

A REAL STIFFY (SORRY)

2008-10-31T00:08:00.001-06:00

It was already like this. I only took the picture.

THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD

2008-10-30T23:54:00.002-06:00

Having a book signing and nobody comes. I went and checked it out. No wonder no one was there. It was crap.

WHY I LOVE BUMS

2008-10-30T23:45:00.001-06:00

I walked almost two blocks out of my way to catch a photo of this guy. I spotted him while waiting for a a light to change, and when I got to the other side of the street, I stopped and pretended to rummage through my purse until he went by, and then the stalking began. I'm sure by now you're questioning why I would follow a bum for blocks. Look closely at the picture, the white thing that resembles a go mug is actually a skull of an unidentified animal. And it was wearing a collar. That's why I would follow a bum for blocks. After I took this, I had to run back to work. In high heels.

BOY READING PAPER ON TRAIN

2008-10-30T23:33:00.001-06:00

This kid cracked me up/blew my mind on the train. Not only was he reading the paper, he was discussing it with his dad and then tore out an article, folded it neatly and put it in his pocket. And he's what? Nine? I continue to be impressed.

STRUNG OUT

2008-10-29T00:11:00.001-06:00

The problem with camera phones is they tend to miss some of the beauty of the actual subject. At first glance, this is a picture of a couple of sketchy characters outside the Chocolate Bar on 17th ave, but upon closer inspection, you will see that the man in white has the ass torn out of his jeans. And if you had seen him live, you would be led to believe, as all the other viewers of this photograph, that he had lost the seat of his pants in some kind of sex-for-drugs exchange. Especially if you had seen him twitch across the street.

TEA PARTY

2008-10-28T23:07:00.001-06:00

This little creep show is probably the best nine dollars I have ever spent. If you look at it too long, you get the feeling that it's onto you. It knows what you're thinking. And it approves.

UNDA-CUVAH GRANDMUTHAH

2008-10-28T22:48:00.001-06:00

This is one of my more famous photographs. I've been asked if she's for real. As far as I can tell, she's either deep undercover or all too real.

FUNHOUSE

2008-10-28T22:40:00.001-06:00

I don't know when it was ever okay for this poster to be manufactured, but it hangs in the Tubby Dog, in beautiful downtown Calgary over this:

the CREEPIEST pinball machine ever.

FABULOUS

2008-10-28T22:38:00.001-06:00

Elton John called. He wants his sun glasses back.

ILLUSION

2008-10-28T22:33:00.001-06:00

This picture hangs on the wall in my cousin Sarah's bathroom. She claims it's a bathtub and towel, and bathrobe draped over a chair. I very clearly see a bathtub and towel, and some sort of pink monster perched daintily on a chair, hands clasped in front of it, waiting for you to get into the bath. I have never seen the bathrobe.

And no, Pam, I was not sitting on the toilet when this photo was taken.

PICNIC

2008-10-28T22:28:00.001-06:00

Now this is the hit of any picnic. About three hours before this picture was taken, I had passed a cat, with a (whole) dead mouse, in my back yard. I didn't chase it away, as I thought it might be rude, considering he was eating his dinner, and when I got back, this is what was on the picnic table.

What a nice gesture.

MY BROTHER THOMAS

2008-10-28T22:21:00.001-06:00

As much as I would love to say that this a stranger and I got my hands on this photo, I can't. This is my brother Thomas' last day on the rigs. He decided to go out in style. His driller was nice enough to capture it and send it to me.

I particularly like that there is another phone in the frame, which has obviously just snapped a winner.

CLAIRE AND TOBY

2008-10-28T21:41:00.001-06:00

There are many reasons I like this photo. The boat hanging off the side of the house, the old dog lying in the shade, and the boxer looking like he's on a trampoline.