BAH HUMBUG

Pardon me while I vomit. Thanks for this Pam, are you sure that's not your car?

BITE ME

Call me crazy, but I think 69¢ for a pre-bitten Creepy Santa chocolate pop is a little overpriced.

After I pointed it out to the cashier, she said thanks and left it there. I really hope someone bought it.

JUST WHAT YOU ALWAYS NEEDED

In case you can't read what's on the this... thing:

Smencils - Gourmet SCENTED Pencils

This one was orange. Thanks Toys R Us.

HAND JOB

Oh, you want a manicure? Just have a seat here in my penis-hand chair and I'll get right to you.

CRITTER CONGA

There's nothing like turning into an aisle and seeing a pride of angry cheetahs ready to rip your face off. I especially hate the disembodied ringleader on the top.

MAGIC CARPET

Calgary. 07:45 ish. Good time to drive around with a roll of carpet hanging out the unsecured doors of your van. And yes, I was the epitome of safety when I was taking pictures of things instead of paying attention to the road.

WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY SAY?

Thanks Ben.

TASTY

Quality Cock Soup since 1922. Thanks CMcK.

HE'S BACK

The first spotting of Santa after nearly a year of seclusion at the North Pole.

Brace yourselves. Christmas is upon us.

Thanks to CMcK for her candid shots of Santa at Starbucks.

WHEELIE

As seen on a cast on a dog. Too bad it doesn't get you a better parking spot.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Please explain to me how this :

or this:

has ANYTHING to do with Christmas. Too me, this is more of a Halloween/Horror show sort of thing. Those "elves" are CREEPY.

BEEN THERE. DONE THAT. GOT THE T-SHIRT.

Runner-up to the most inappropriate sign ever. I don't think it should get the tiara because it's not catering to children.

However, there is this:

If you're extra nice to the ever delightful Ren , he might take you down to Liquor Box. And believe me, he knows the way.

LICK IT

Winner of the most inappropriate sign ever.

MORGUE

I feel like sleeping in public is dangerous, be it on the train, in a restaurant, or at the mall, as pictured here. It's especially dangerous to sleep in public if you look like a corpse. And what about the second guy? He was walking by, saw a man passed out on a chair, and thought, "You know what, that's an excellent idea."

UMMMM...

Here's something you don't see every day...

SUCKA

Look closely. That guy is DEFINITELY sucking his thumb.

LIFE LESSONS

Hula-hoop lessons. Not even kidding.

A swivel of the hips and a thank you to Pam.

A WINNING COMBINATION

Beer, bullets and chainsaws. A killer idea. From the always lovely Cray.

BOXCAR DELIGHTS

Hobo Beans: the maple flavoured jelly bean. Why anyone would think hobos taste like maple is beyond me.

Here they are in the display box. Notice that there are some missing. And what do we have under the display box?

Why, it's Bacon Beans, the bacon flavoured jelly bean.

And just to be sassy, there's also Bacon Gumballs. My favorite, if you look carefully, is the strip of bacon blowing a cannibalistic bubble.

FOR BRUTALLY BAD BREATH

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is Josef Stalin hawking mints. Commie mints. I imagine this is the kind of thing he had in mind when he set his sights on world domination. Ensuring fresh breath to all of human kind.

M-ANIMAL FARM

Some animals are more equal to others. Some men are more perfect than others. As rewarding as "How To Be Your Own Best Friend". Don't worry. You never have to be you own best friend. You'll always have your mother.

NINJA, PLEASE

More from Ren. The sign really says it all. I have no comment.

RIPE

"Bananas can't go Beside Apples. They Will brown too fast"

Someone put the bananas too close to the apples. A special thanks to my charming friend, Ren.

CHICKA CHICKA WHAT?!?

Ah. Christmas candies. 'Tis the season ... Wait. What's going on with Santa and that reindeer?

Let's look at this from a different angle:

Yep. Santa is definitely giving it to that reindeer. How festive.

LET THE SIDEWALK BE YOUR GALLERY

Art? I don't think so. Nice try, though.

WHEN WORDS FAIL YOU

This is the Caroline Limo. Remember the free chair? Same house (it's actually in the background if you look carefully). I'm not sure if it qualifies as irony, but this is directly across the street from the elementary/middle/high school. Too bad there's no spell check for real life.

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Once again, a submission from C McK. She claims this was made by a five year old and it's a Santa hat. That's clearly what it is.

PS - Santa, if you're reading this, I'd like your hat for Christmas please.

REWARD!!!

I don't know where to start with this one. I guess my first question is: How does a tortoise escape? It's always been my understanding that they aren't a fast creature. Other questions I would like to ask are: Why does it have a pink 'X' on it's shell; and How much is the reward? As well as: How did it get out of the yard? Please tell me it climbed the fence.

REALLY REALLY

Here's another view of Hillary Duff's most inappropriate fan. I had to post it due to the hilarious eye that conveys how we all feel about that shirt on that guy.

WRONG

Nothing makes me want to buy and eat strawberries more than a picture of them snogging in the grocery store. I mean please. There are children present.

EAT IT, I DARE YOU

Only in Montana can you buy an entire yard of beef. I'm keeping my eyes open for the Alberta equivalent, the Metre-O-Meat. Thanks again, C McK.

FASHION

Keeping with the inappropriate topic, here's another submission from C McK, the Prosti-tot. First of all, those boots are unacceptable on any occasion. Oh, and also, those aren't pants, honey. They're not even shorts. They are UNDERPANTS.

INAPPROPRIATE

For $15, you can go to the Canada Olympic Park ScreamFest and not be scared out of your mind. You may, however, see some of the most child-unfriendly images you will ever see at a child-friendly event. Evidenced here, we have the spooktacular Terror Under The Big Top. And what's that on the side? Let's take a closer look:

Yes, I see. Dr Frankenstein's lesbian creations. In eye-popping 3D. They weren't in there, by the way. The killer clowns on the other hand, were in there. In eye-popping 3D. And they were terrifying.

STONE COLD TERROR

Sticking with the creepy Halloween theme, here we have a submission from my bestie, Mr Turdus Migratorus himself. Where he found this, I do not know. But I'm glad he did. I don't know which one is worse, the old perverted winking one or the little sleeping one. I think the sleeping one, because you know he's faking and as soon as you turn away, he opens an eye and looks at you. This is an untold terror.

AMERICAN DREAM

Also in time for Halloween, the costume that defines a nation. What parent doesn't want their daughter to don this costume and strut around the neighbourhood? This makes Uncle Sam Proud.

Thank you to CMcK for this one as well.

TINY PICTURE, HUGE ATTITUDE

This appears to be some kind of gangster witch. Not sure what colours she wears.

Many thanks to CMcK for this.

BUT DOES IT COME WITH A PAPER HAMBURGER?

It's what you're afraid it is. The Hoff, paper doll style. Note the hairy chest. I can send the template to anyone who requests it, and you, too, can own The Hoff. (Yes this was at my desk.)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

What do we have here? Submitted by my #1 fan. I have no idea what the story is, but I ♥ it. Thanks, C McK!!

SOFA KING GROSS

He looks like he posed for this. Not so. This was taken with great discretion, in order to capture the HORROR of his fingernails. Without exaggeration, they were at least five to seven millimetres long (1/8 to 1/4 of an inch, for the American fans). Sadly, he turned his hand just as I snapped the shot. And it was the end of the line so I was denied a second chance. I was so grossed out. So. Grossed. Out.

PARKING LOT-TERY

Where else but at Wal Mart can you find a station wagon filled with shopping bags and plywood?